How do we explain something to our children that we can’t understand ourselves? It’s almost impossible to explain the nature of terror attacks to children. Not least because we don’t have a vocabulary that covers such situations and we often feel that we lack adequate tools. However there is much that we can do to help our children deal with such horrors.
Establish what they know
Many parents want to believe their children aren’t aware of terror attacks. However the truth is that such news seeps into even the youngest lives. For example, children may overhear adult conversations. Catch glimpses on TV or see images on tablets or mobile phones. Also pick up information (often distorted) from other children and so on. If you can let your children start the conversation they will often open up much more than if you begin to interrogate them. Many parents find that their trusted nanny can elicit information more easily than they can. This is not because children don’t trust their parents. But because they don’t want to talk about things they think might upset mum and dad!
Start with reassurance
It’s important that children know you’re not upset or angry. So if you’re still experiencing strong emotions after a terror attack. This is not the right time to raise the subject. Begin by reassuring your child that you are not angry with them for having information about an atrocity. Also that you are not angry with the people who perpetrated it. This can be difficult, but children need to have an age-appropriate way to understand the situation. Therefore it’s better to say something like, ‘you know how sometimes you get upset with a friend or they get upset with you, and you might even have a fight? That happens with grown-ups too, and it’s not always possible for us to understand why they get upset or why they do the things they do, but they don’t know anything about us and they won’t be trying to hurt us. We’re safe.’
Monitor information sources
Your nanny can help you here. Perhaps your children have playdates in houses where rolling news is left running in the corner of the room. Or where adults discuss atrocities in the children’s presence. In such cases you may choose to have a conversation with the parents or perhaps ensure get-togethers take place outside the home to avoid this situation. Make sure any tablet that your children can use is safeguarded and check whether they are doing homework with the radio on, or being exposed to inappropriate information levels in some way.
Talk and talk and talk
Once is rarely enough. Although it’s important to be sensitive to how much your child can handle. There are many difficult subjects we need to explore with our children; illness in the family, disability, terror attacks. None of these can be adequately covered in a single conversation. Books such as “We are all born free’ and “Please explain terrorism to me” are useful to have on the bookshelf. Sometimes a child will draw their version of a terror attack and by talking about their picture you can help reassure them. Especially if they are getting misinformation from friends.
Take action
Remind your child of the many things they do every day to keep them safe. Such as wearing a seatbelt in the car, checking before they cross the road, etc. This helps them understand that they already have good mechanisms for their own safety which can reduce their anxiety. If your child is old enough. Consider inviting them to contribute to a charity that’s helping the victims of terror so they feel empowered to create a world they are happy to live in.