If you usually resolve to drink more water, learn a new language or meditate every day, we’ve got a new idea for you. This year, make some resolutions with your nanny. There are three main reasons for joint resolutions:
• Being accountable to somebody else is likely to keep you both working towards your resolution
• Working together is more like to ensure success than a solo resolution
• Seeing you work in partnership helps your children understand that parents and nanny are committed to working as a team.
1. Resolve to encourage respect
Many nannies complain that they don’t get respect from the children they care for. Why is this?
A. Children tend to feel frustrated about limitations and to test them
B. They copy the behaviour they see (so if parents act disrespectfully the kids will too!)
C. Disrespect may get a better response than good behaviour.
Parents nanny can agree a set of responses to encourage respect such as:
• Disregarding minor rudeness such as sulking or talking back. By saying ‘I don’t respond to rudeness’ and ignoring the child until polite behaviour resumes. Adults can teach children that politeness earns a better response than impoliteness
• Not correcting children in public. However rude a child is, correcting behaviour in front of others can lead to shame. Which creates more resistance in future. Instead indicate to the child that a discussion of behaviour will take place in private and then follow through. Explaining what you found unacceptable, what behaviour would have been acceptable and what will happen if the behaviour continues to be unacceptable. This teaches children that they don’t get away with things in public just because they aren’t told off at the time. Parents in particular can resolve to let nanny follow through on behaviour commentary at home. It’s just too easy to step in and dismiss nanny’s concerns about rudeness or inattention and that undermines her authority.
2. Set and maintain house rules
It’s a pain to have debates about rules and kids are expert at trotting out claims. “Dad (or Mum, or Nanny) always lets us do (whatever the behaviour is) so you should too.” House rules. Agreed and written up. Leave no wriggle room for such divide and conquer behaviour.
• Get together with Nanny and agree a few realistic rules everybody can stick to.
• Write the rules out and put them where everybody can see them.
• Keep them positive (eg ‘be polite at the breakfast table’ rather than ‘no yelling’).
Now all you need to do is stick to the rules yourself and all will probably go well!
3. Build your local profiles
Nannies can easily feel isolated and parents can spend all their free time with their kids rather than going out.
• Becoming involved in local activities can help both nanny and parents to have a bigger, brighter life. So resolve to boost your community engagement in 2016.
• If Mum and Dad fancy cycling, why not join a local club and get on with it! If Nanny fancies amateur dramatics. Make sure she has time off for rehearsals and ensure she can invite fellow actors home to learn lines.
• Support each other’s activities. Nanny can take the kids along to cheer Mum and Dad on and parents can take the kids to watch Nanny on-stage.
These kinds of activities build a more robust community life that allows grown-ups to become more resilient. It teaches children a full life includes giving time to local activities and benefiting from them, in equal measure.