Summer has a lot to recommend it – no school run, lazy days enjoying family life … but then there’s often a sticking point and for a lot of families that’s when the grandparents arrive. Why do we send up in conflicts around our childcare and our parents?
Granny v Nanny – the sticking points
It’s said that in Hong Kong many professional nannies prefer not to work in families where the grandmother lives in. Because they know there will be too much interference! In the UK and USA, it’s increasingly common to find that grandparents are doing some of the childcare. That brings its own difficulties, especially where grandparents don’t really want to admit they aren’t happy to be stop-gaps for their own children’s child-care difficulties.
How to stop battles between grandparents and nanny
First and foremost, it’s important to decide as parents what you will and won’t accept. Being clear about.
- Bedtime (is it flexible when family are visiting or should it be maintained regardless?).
- Mealtimes (like bedtime – do you want to keep to your routine or be a bit more open to alterations?).
- Snacks (can your parents give your kids treats? Is it okay for them to buy them food that you wouldn’t normally permit when out of the house?).
- Screen time (from TV to iPad, parents are often managing these issues very differently to their own parents. It’s vital to be clear what is and isn’t acceptable to you).
Tips
When you know what you want to do, you can inform both your nanny and your parents. This way they are more likely to be able to pull together than apart. For example, if it’s lunchtime and the kids are overexcited and unwilling to sit down. Grandparents might volunteer to ‘take half an hour’ in their own room to allow nanny to feed the children. They might be pretty glad to have some time with their feet up, truth be told!
Second, give grandparents something specific to do and let nanny off the hook. Grandparents can be jealous and they can feel undervalued. A half-day spent with their grandkids with nanny nowhere around can allow them to get quality time. They feel that they are trusted to do good childcare. Remember that when your kids run to nanny rather than their grandparents for comfort or congratulations. Your parents can feel slighted and unnecessary. Giving your grandparents a chance to have that undiluted experience can be key to successful relationships with even the most experienced nanny.
Third, in all conflicts remind your parents that nanny works for you and not them, and is following your guidelines. This deflects them from criticising her to discussing the problem. Maybe they misunderstood something she said or did, or maybe it’s just a clash of beliefs about what children need. Whatever the difficulty, nanny has no choice but to stick to what you’ve asked of her and can feel deeply attacked when ‘strangers’ suggest she’s not good at her job.
Finally, remember that everybody wants the best out of the summer and by approaching these situations with love, tolerance, clarity and a good dose of humour, you’ll be creating great memories for your little ones to look back on.