It can sound odd. Particularly to parents who are very invested in their child, to be told that a nanny may be the best route to dealing with separation anxiety. However, both research and experience bear out this claim. Here’s why …
What causes separation anxiety in children?
These are the top three causes of childhood separation anxiety.
- Often, it’s partly to do with genetics. Some kids are just naturally more anxious and partly to do with environment. As a parent you may ‘educate’your child to feel insecure and anxious, simply because you are yourself not fully confident in your performance as a parent. Or may have unexpressed concerns about your ability to return to the world of work after a break.
- Changes in routine. Once again, there’s a paradox. Whilst stable routines help anxious children. Overly rigid household regimes can actually feed anxiety. Even the tiniest deviation from the structure can cause anxiety in the child or tension in you. Which they respond to with …you’ve guessed it, anxiety! So stable routines are good but variety is also necessary or children don’t develop mature coping mechanisms.
- Stress. Sometimes parents don’t recognise childhood stresses such as: moving house (or even just bedroom), birth of a sibling or near relative, death of a near relative or pet, departure of family member or friend from immediate environment.
What does separation anxiety look like?
Crying clingy behaviour, refusal to undertake certain activities (putting on outdoor shoes etc) and holding onto adults and even furniture. These are generally viewed as the classic symptoms. But there are other symptoms too. Some children become unresponsive, distant emotionally and develop physical systems such as tummy aches. Others have nightmares and talk about frightening things happening. Even during the happiest moments.
All of these may be a sign of separation anxiety which can begin as young as eight months, and often emerges, or reemerges at school age.
How to resolve childhood anxiety
If you are a Type A personality, get stressed easily, don’t find it easy to relax, have a challenging job, and/or are an only child. It’s possible that your child is picking up on your own traits. An experienced nanny with a sunny personality can be a great counterbalance to your personality type. This is not about one kind of behaviour being better than another but simply one way of helping a child to learn from a range of responsible adults about how to cope with the world.
Find a balance of routine and spontaneity. Once again this is very straightforward if you have a nanny. She can construct a coherent routine and then you, as a parent, get to bring in some of the spontaneous fun stuff at weekends or during early evenings. Not too late in the day as overtired children can become anxious children very quickly. By recognising which part of the balance you are each bringing, you and nanny can respect each other’s roles and help the child become emotionally robust and confident.
Where stress is part of the problem, a nanny can definitely be part of the solution – because separation anxiety is exactly that, fear about separation from a loved one or a loved thing, allowing a child to develop confidence that they will be cared for, listened to and understood even if a parent isn’t present, can be the best antidote to anxiety.